Forever & Always Read online

  I’m hesitant, but forge ahead. “And what about your net worth. It seems you do pretty well for yourself,” I reply. And inwardly cringe. Fuck, talking about money sucks.

  “I’m good at what I do,” he replies, shrugging. “Damn good. I like the thrill of it. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice things. And I work my ass off. I didn’t come from money. My family was solidly middle-class.”

  I nod my head. I don’t know what to say. I feel like a bit of an ass. He picks up on that pretty fast, actually.

  “Don’t sweat it, Ben. The money is part of me, but it’s not who I am 100%,” he provides, trying to re-assure me. “Do you have a problem with it?”

  I cough. I can’t help it. James is so direct. Something I could never be, that’s for sure.

  “No, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s just a bit of a shock, to be honest. But since that’s not what you’re all about, I can live with that.” I pause. “As long as you don’t have any issue with my income. I do well for myself, but I’m not uber wealthy.”

  “I don’t care about it. I make enough for both us and then some.” The man is confident, I’ll give him that.

  I’m saved from more talk about money by the arrival of the waiter. Over dinner, we keep the conversation light, thank God. I don’t think I could stomach any more serious talk. The more we converse, the more I’m falling for James. He’s a good man, I can tell.

  James

  Light conversation takes us through dinner and into dessert. We enjoy coffee and head out. Ben is reflectively quiet. I can tell his mind is whirring a hundred miles an hour.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” I ask.

  His head snaps toward me and his face lights up. “Oh please, how about a hundred?” He lightly huffs as he says it. I can tell when he’s kidding around.

  “You think you’re funny, now. Ha, ha. But sure. A hundred dollars or hundred grand. Either way, I’d pay to hear your thoughts,” I say, completely serious. I’m seriously falling for this man.

  His eyebrows shoot up. “For you, they’re free.”

  “And?” I ask, pulling into my assigned spot in the parking garage of my building.

  Ben turns and places his lips on mine. I return his kiss with so much intensity, I think we’ll go up in flames. My tongue seeks entrance to his mouth and he gives in. We kiss until we’re both breathless. It’s hard to keep our hands off each other, but we manage.

  The elevator doors to my penthouse slide open, revealing my home to Ben. He stops to look around. My home is modern, with sleek, clean lines. It suits me.

  “I’ve never brought anyone here before. You’re the first.”

  “That’s cute. Now shut up and kiss me.”

  He snaps to attention and salutes me, “Yes, sir!” A big smile on his face.

  His response makes me laugh and makes me hot at the same time.

  I growl, pulling him into my arms. “Less talk, more action.”

  Ben grips the lapel of my jacket, sliding his hands south, over the smooth fabric, ultimately pushing it off my shoulders, onto the floor. His hands come back to me, rubbing my erection through the tent in my pants. As he strokes me, I shudder.

  Not to be outdone, I push his jacket off his shoulders and fully unbutton his shirt. I admire the view. He’s lean and trim. And so fucking handsome. I can’t get enough of him, so I plunder his mouth again. Ben makes me drunk. Love drunk.

  Ben

  James takes my mouth as we undress each other. We can’t seem to keep our hands off each other. We’re on fire. As we kiss, we undress each other; him taking off one piece of my clothing, while I take off one of his. By the time we reach the door to the master bedroom, there’s a path of clothes on the floor and we’re stripped bare. He takes my hand and leads me to his bed. He stops and looks at me.

  “I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. I got tested last week. I’m clean.”

  “I haven’t been with anyone since my last relationship. And I got tested after that. I’m clean,” I respond.

  He pushes me onto the bed and dives back in, kissing me, working his way down my body. He pulls an orgasm from me almost immediately. I moan and shake. The man knows what he’s doing.

  Coming back into focus, I push him back onto the bed and reciprocate. He orgasms, long and hard, bellowing as he does.

  We both lay there, on our backs, and catch our breath. He turns his head and looks at me.

  “I can do this all night. Are you up for the challenge, Mr. Covington?”

  I give him an evil grin. “Absolutely. Bring it on.”

  His smile is equally mischievous. “Good,” he says, and grabs me, pulling me to him. “There’s more where that came from.”

  “I can’t wait, Mr. Dall.”

  We both laugh as he rolls me over.

  Chapter 5

  The next morning

  Ben

  Last night was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for anything better. James is an attentive and amazing lover. He’s also an amazing cook. How do I know this? The smells emanating from down the hall. James is cooking breakfast. I sit up and throw the covers off. I head toward the door, but stop when I realize I’m still completely naked. I look both ways as I exit the door. No one is here except us. Good. I take a few steps and find my pants, pick them up and slip them on.

  Padding down the hall, I see James at the stove, making eggs. Coffee and bacon is already done and I see the button on the toaster pushed down.

  “Good morning,” I say, smiling at James.

  He turns around and returns my smile.

  “Good morning.”

  “You cook,” I say, a bit surprised.

  “I do. Don’t look so shocked,” he says, giving me a look.

  “Sorry, man. Just surprised is all. Good surprise, though.”

  He sets down the spatula and walks over to me, giving me a gentle kiss. As though to say, it’s okay.

  “Have a seat, breakfast is ready,” he says, turning back to the stove. “I hope you like a traditional breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast. If not, I probably have some cereal in here somewhere.”

  I can’t help but give him a hard time. “You’re not sure?”

  “My sister likes it, so I keep it around. She stops by randomly. So I keep a few things around, just for her. I don’t eat the stuff.”

  “Everything smells amazing. Works for me.” My interest, piqued, I ask, “Your sister. Tell me more about her.”

  “Well, she’s younger than me by a couple of years. She lives here in the city. She’s actually my executive assistant.”

  “Really?!” The man is full of surprises. “How does that work out?”

  “Pretty well, actually. She’s amazing at what she does and she can keep up with me. Most people can’t. And she calls me on my bullshit. Which is even better. It just works for us. Not to mention it makes our parents happy. So win-win.”

  “Interesting,” I reply, as he sets down a plate in front of me. It looks divine.

  “Coffee?”

  “Um, I actually stay away from caffeine,” I say, a little embarrassed.

  He looks at me, genuinely wanting to please me. “How about herbal tea, instead? I know Kat keeps some around here.”

  He doesn’t even seem fazed. “That would be great, thanks,” I answer, relieved.

  He gets back up, fills the kettle with water and puts it on the stove. While it’s heating, we chat some more. Thank goodness it’s a Sunday morning. Neither of us need to be at work.

  We finish our breakfast and he drives me back to my place. Along the way, we agree to another date. He drops me off, but not before kissing me so thoroughly, I have to catch my breathe.

  Chapter 6

  One Year Later

  Ben

  Turns out, we agree to many more dates. But that’s not the end. James and I fall in love. He asks me to move in with him and I do. We settle into a comfortable routine. I love our life and I love him. But I want more. I’ve always wanted more.
And therein lies the problem; a problem neither of us saw coming. And it broke us.

  Chapter 7

  James

  “No.”

  “I can’t believe you’re being so stubborn about this,” Ben says.

  “I’m not being stubborn. Kids were never part of the equation.”

  “How can you even say that?”

  “Because I’ve always known.”

  “And it’s final?”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t change your mind?”

  “No.”

  “And what about me? About us?” Ben replies, clearly angry and upset.

  And it makes me feel like shit. Silence passes between us. I turn around to the stove, unable to look at him.

  Ben

  I can’t bear to be here. I feel as though my entire world is falling apart. James is so perfect, a great partner. I can’t believe he never told me he didn’t want kids. I push away from the counter, walking into the living room, where I grab my coat and slip on my shoes. I need to clear my head. Re-evaluate. Can I stay with James? I don’t think I can. He won’t change his mind. He says he never wanted kids. And it’s final. Final for him maybe. But not for me. I’m angry and saddened that he chose to not even consider having kids. Or even consider my feelings.

  It doesn’t matter now. I’ve wanted kids as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be a parent and have a family. And then I met James. Our relationship only intensified my need for a baby. I wanted James to be their daddy. Stunned, all I can do is leave. Where I’m going, I have no clue.

  James

  I don’t turn around. I can’t face Ben. I’m such a coward. As I hear the snick of the door closing, my shoulders drop in defeat. I don’t want to lose Ben, but kids were never a part of my future. I thought he knew. I turn off the burner and head to the bedroom to change into workout clothes. I need to go for a run. Clear my head. Figure out where to go from here.

  But as I pull a shirt from our closet, I lose it. Everywhere I turn, all I see is Ben. His clothes, his shoes, his toiletries in the bathroom. Even his scent. His cologne clings to the sheets, invisibly floating around the room. And it enrages me. As my anger gets the best of me, I rip his clothes out of their spaces, flinging them onto the floor. I tear the sheets of the bed, tossing them all over the room. Then, I stride into the bathroom and with one sweep of my arm, scatter his toiletries all over the floor. I can’t stand it. He just up and left. Left everything we’ve built.

  It’s not like a gave him much choice.

  I’m still in shock he didn’t know. With the minutes that tick by, I’ve moved from angry to numb. Time for me to go for a long run. Away from here, away from the heartache, and away from these feelings. I need to forget. Running does that for me.

  Ben

  As I stride to the elevator, I fight back hot, angry tears. I need to leave and clear my head. The elevator doors swish open and I step inside. I don’t even realize I am staring at nothing until an arm reaches across and punches the button for the lobby, shaking me out of my reverie.

  I step off the elevator and push open the door, stepping into the cold night air. It’s a shock to the system, to say the least. But I’ve already had one of those tonight. Why not another?

  My sarcasm is showing. It’s been a long time. Tonight must have brought it back to the surface.

  As I walk down the street, my feet take me nowhere specific. I’m just walking around, no destination in mind. After walking for over a half hour, I realize I’ve gone in almost a complete square. Our home—correction—James’ home, is only a block away. Deciding I can’t stay here, I enter the parking garage and slip into the mutt mobile. Tonight, I need to be alone. And I can get that by leaving James—and the city—behind.

  The farm sits 30 minutes outside the city. Three days a week, I bring my clientele of larger and working dog breeds to the farm. It’s a great place for them, because they can run free and run far, wearing off excess energy they have from being cramped up in the city. They’re happy, healthy, and usually calmer after their time at the farm. Not only are the dogs happy, so am I. Normally, my time at the farm is filled with happy memories. I try to think of the good times, but tonight, it’s hard. I was angry earlier, now I’m sad. Defeated. I’m shocked that James threw away everything we’ve built together. Driving down the long, winding driveway, my thoughts drift to what could have been.

  Chapter 8

  James

  On Monday at work, I’m still angry and upset. The last few hours haven’t helped much. Ben is still gone. Gone where, I don’t know. I tried calling him and he won’t answer. I’ve tried texting. All to no avail. He won’t reply.

  As I settle behind my desk, I issue curt orders to Kat. And she’s having none of it. She steps back and shuts the door. Even locks it. This is serious.

  “Alright, James. Clearly something happened. You look like shit. I’ll give you a pass this time for acting like a complete ass. What happened?”

  I don’t meet her eyes. I’m ashamed. And hurt. And angry. Shocked. I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing else to say.

  “None of your business.”

  “Uh, yes, it is. When my big, tough, strong brother is about ready to cry, it sure is,” she says, placing her hands on her hips. “Let me guess. Something happened between you and Ben. That’s got to be it. You always have a sparkle in your eye when you’re together and when you talk about him.”

  I look up, but say nothing. I’m in total agony. She looks into my eyes, then rushes around my desk, hugging me fiercely.

  She knows.

  And that makes it even worse. As she hugs me, I crumble. Breaking down, I sob uncontrollably. My heart is torn to pieces and it’s my own fault. I gave Ben no choice. Because of my own stubbornness, I pushed him away. And I may never get him back.

  What have I done?!

  The thought makes me weep even harder. Kat strokes my back, trying to console me. It’s hard though, because I’m so much bigger than her. She can barely get her arms around me. But she tries. And I appreciate it. At least I have Kat. If I didn’t have her, I don’t what I would do.

  My tears slow. Kat notices and pulls back, looking at me. Begging me to talk to her. I just can’t. I need to talk to Ben.

  “Care to talk about it?” Kat asks.

  I can’t. Talk about it, that is. I can only talk to Ben. That’s just the way it is.

  I shake my head no.

  She nods. “I understand. Have you tried to talk to him? To try to work things out?”

  I just nod yes.

  “That’s good. Has he answered?”

  I finally find my voice. “No.”

  “I see. Maybe give it some time.”

  “Do you think you can work things out?”

  I answer honestly. “I don’t know. I hope so.”

  She gives me another hug and hands me a tissue. “Chin up, J. And try not to gripe out any more employees today, okay?!”

  I nod and give her a slight smile. It’s all I can muster up right now.

  Chapter 9

  Ben

  My phone blows up with calls and texts from James. I don’t answer. I can’t. Our breakup is just too raw right now. A part of me wants to talk to him, but he’s cut me so deep, I don’t think I can. I don’t know if this can ever be fixed. Part of me hopes so, but I honestly don’t know if it can.

  The next few days go by in a blur; I focus on my business and the dogs. They’re a balm to my broken soul. I’m glad I have them.

  On the third day, my phone is eerily silent. James doesn’t call me or text me. Has he given up? God, that makes me cave in despair. Maybe he’s looking for me. And since I’m still at the farm, it’s not too hard to find me.

  After the long day, I sit quietly in the dining room, eating dinner. Or try to. I haven’t had much of an appetite since our blowup. Or breakup. Or whatever this is. I’m still so unsure about it all. Is James still refusing to even consider a baby? Is h
aving a family so bad?

  A knock at the door interrupts my thoughts. It’s probably James. Or Kat. I walk through the great room, toward the front door. Swinging it open, I see James on the other side. He looks like shit. Part of me is sad, but also part of me is glad that he’s hurting as much as I am. Pushing the door open, I let him in. Our eyes meet, but no words are exchanged. I turn and walk into the great room, settling into one of the chairs nearest the fire. It’s cold and I can’t seem to warm up. James settles into the other chair across from mine.

  As we sit there, neither one of us talks. But I do drink in his handsome face. I’ve missed him. If he wants to talk, it’s up to him to make the move. Not me. He’s made it abundantly clear that he refuses to even listen to me.

  Finally, he speaks up. “Ben, I’m sorry.”

  I nod.

  I wasn’t expecting him to start with that. I figured he’d try to change my mind about a baby.

  “Aren’t you going to say something?”

  “What do you want me to say? You’ve made it pretty clear how you feel. About me. About a family.”

  “I never wanted this for us. To be apart. I know I’ve made some mistakes. Can we just talk?”

  Again, I nod.

  “Can I at least explain why I never wanted kids?”

  I nod again, but stay silent. I really do want to know why.

  “My childhood wasn’t always easy. I knew from an early age that I was gay. People were not accepting. And from that point on, I felt like a family was never part of the equation. I didn’t want my child to grow up different than other kids. I wanted them to have a normal childhood. And I knew with two Dads, that they would never get that. They would always be criticized in some way. I didn’t want that for my children.”